I had no idea the Christmas rollercoaster had flatten me – in fact late last night I was feeling pretty pleased with myself – I wasn’t drunk, I didn’t feel too bloated, I’d seen some good (recorded) programmes on TV. This was a Christmas I really struggled with and it was over. So good job done, pat on the back and off to bed.
But that was yesterday and this is today Boxing Day (please leave me in the box and close the lid). Why? I have no idea. Outside is a perfectly clear blue sky, underfoot the ground is still hard with frost. In fact now I think about it the perfect Boxing Day weather. But my spirits are tired and I can only think the reason being I was so concerned about getting ‘through’ Christmas that all my energy has been drained.
But I know someone who will drag me up and out. The dog. My faithful friend chosen by my husband in 2008 ‘to keep you company after I’ve died’. Not much of a substitute I thought miserably but actually he is a wonderful companion. I talk and he listens, I cry and he says not a word but carries on with his pursuits, then he does something daft and I laugh. I am still alive to feel and think and react and slowly, slowly my grief is finding its place in my psyche. I will not be rollercoasted by anything or anyone. My life has been such a joy shared with Colin. I will not sully those memories of all our passion, fun and sorrows with the inability to cope with the ripping agony of grief. One step at a time and gently go forward. Do not be afraid to rest and reflect but then gently onwards.
I greatly benefit from loving close family and fantastic angelic friends and of course, a dog who believes I am IT ‘the best thing since sliced bread’!!!
And a BusPass for which I have many a plan come the new Year . As the days draw out and Spring invites us all to marvel at her new ravishing collection of colour and form I hope to be waving my little card and meeting new people and seeing new sights through eyes and ears aglow with the joy of life.
OK dog drag me out and get me going, please!