Monthly Archives: February 2013

not getting netted ……

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….. I try not to be deviated from my intended pursuit. But it is so easy to be deviated. But once you do wander away from your intentions well, its just a jungle of information, facts, people, opinions most of them fascinating and stimulating BUT unless I have put aside the time to pursue this labyrinth of new stuff my day just disappears puff all into the NET. I emerge blinking, brain fizzing and very confused. I only wanted to find out a bit more about snowdrops! As in the garden we have 3 species the pretty little usual one, one with a double centre and the adorable frilly petalled one in the photo. But I was pathetic and gave in to peering at other alluring stuff which has got me nowhere except to once more proclaim I am but a speck of dust in this wonderful world. So be it.

SAMSUNG DIGITAL CAMERABut even a speck of dust has to settle somewhere and luckily I am very settled (and quite safe from a fevered keen dust remover). My home is surrounded by my garden which is surrounded by a very beautiful aged stone wall. We are having the most stunning weather at the moment – clear blue sky, no wind, the air is cold and on waking everywhere outside is covered in sparkling frost. Just what I needed to inspire me to garden.

My raised beds are being dug and weeded, the shrubs are having hair cuts (quite major in some cases). Now is the time to get into those jungle areas and clear out brambles and nettle patches. Because I have lived here for 10 years I know the bits I want to be quite brutal with and the areas I will just tidy a bit. I also know that once the growing season starts in earnest to clear/or tidy is much harder. I am not a serious gardener but love ‘playing outside’ – if the weather is fine I want to be outside. In a perfect world I’d have a big swimming pool so between bouts of gardening I could float about in water. Of course the total dream would be to have a simple house by a (warm) sea where I could grow tomatoes, peppers, aubergines etc. etc. outside
then flop into the sea and gently swim, then sit on my cool terrace and knit, listening to music. Bliss.

But where I am is where I am and I feel very grateful for the very pleasant structure I have around me. The loss of my beloved husband is part of why I feel so strongly the need to achieve as much as I can with this next (last) part of my life. He was not one to sit about and bemoan facts you cannot change. So while all my faculties are still functioning I will try to create a life full of positives because in my head and heart I hear his voice saying ‘come on, what’s next?’ plus of course a big hug and a gently kiss.

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The treasure of leisure.

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I now use words like amble, stroll, space (not outer but inner). I now observe, stop and stare, follow up my observations, just gently learn. Time is on my side and I try not to waste a moment. I have always been over eager, over enthusiastic, rushing, dashing. Life so full so many parts to attend to, endless servicing this bit and propping up another, accepting parts that were over and either joyfully or sorrowfully watch them disappear. But through all this hustle and bustle, joy and sorrow, unaware of images, feelings, emotions, beliefs, needs, strengths, weaknesses, that were weaving around my inner core. I am more aware of myself as a person than I ever have been in my life. Its as though I have forgiven myself for being a fool, and am trying to concentrate on improving the good bits.

I am now not afraid of the silence but joyfully accept noisy bits when they cross my path.

My silence is full of wonderful memories and fun; of numbing sadness and sorrow; of always going forward; of trying to make the right decisions; of embracing life with all my limitations. So silence is never quiet and I joyfully accept the noise from the hear and now when it crashes in and opens up new possibilities. Because they are all there if you want them enough and I think I do!