Tag Archives: Family

An inspiring ‘phone call

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which makes a change.

It was from a friend of ours I shall call him John.  He has had such a difficult life.  Father died when he was 5yrs. old, mother becomes an alcoholic, younger brother a nice boy but with emotional problems. John from an early age became the carer of the family.   And I’m afraid our wonderful caring society helped him very, very little.

But he survived plus he gradually carved out a career for himself (he was offered a place for a degree in mathematics but just couldn’t afford to accept) and still cared for his difficult mother and brother.  OK move on a few years he marries and he and his wife produce a beautiful son.  By this time he has his own home and a good job and his mother and brother have moved so they are nearby. Then his mother dies and although after all she has put John through he really grieves his loss.  And by what John has told me she did seem to appreciate what a great son he had been and he always found good things to say about her. But she was still drinking hard to the end. That left his now very confused but likable brother. Grossly overweight and inclined to booze, hadn’t worked for years, lost his identity and any sense of self worth.  And now his mother had died, his sense of reality diminishes even further.

There is now a year to 18 months of confusion, false information, infact lies told to John by his brother and others who were insistent he was in good hands and doing OK.  By this time the brother had moved back to the town the boys and mother had gone to after his father died – this was 300 miles from where John lived (and his brother had previously lived with his mother). John and his wife were also expecting a second child by this time. He was still in contact with his brother but there were other people (friends?) with much more influence over his brother and his meagre income.  Eventually John gets a call saying his brother is in hospital after being found in the river trying to commit suicide after drinking a bottle of bleach. From then on it is all downhill John is backwards and forwards trying to find out what is happening to his poor deluded brother.  John offers to take his brother home many times but he won’t  come.  And in the end he dies from the diet of chemicals prescribed by the doctors who care (?) for him.

John was devastated.   And then very angry.   Because all the time John was trying to get answers to questions about his brothers treatment from the doctors/nurses/carers he was fobbed off and made to feel like an interfering nuisance who had no rights to know about what was happening to this person whom he had loved and cared for all his life.  So John sat down and detailed everything that had happened with dates and times.  It was meticulously written, revised and scrutinised.  It was an obsession.  For ironically although life had given John the hardest most unfair start, he is one of kindest, sweetest, fairest man you could ever meet. And this end to his dear brothers life was wrong and very unfair.  And however hard you try to excuse mistakes and lack of communication etc.etc. there were people in authority who knew what was going on, who could have changed his brothers final years who could have CARED and infact were paid to care and use their expertise to improve a life not kill it.

Over the following months we would talk on the ‘phone and he would tell me about what he was trying to do and all I could do was listen and applaud him for his mission.  The document ended up 21 pages long and he sent it to me to read.   Initially when I saw the length I’m ashamed to say my heart dropped but once I started reading this clear, concise passionate account of the events leading to his brother death I wept. It was so cruelly wrong that anyone should be treated as Johns brother was treated and by normal everyday people supposedly doing there job. John had over the months told me all that had happened to his brother but reading it so clearly and concisely really shocked me.  And this had happened (and I fear is still happening) to the defenseless in our society.  Even though the victim in this tragic story had someone who really cared about him, really loved him, those in authority ignored John and what he could offer.

Then on Thursday night John rang.  His document has not only been acknowledged but been taken seriously as an important statement of FACTS.  A certain politician has picked up on it, the police and the other authorities involved are now taking Johns complaints seriously. And believe me John will not go away. Thank goodness for the Johns of this world who don’t just moan and weep but use all that negative energy to try and right a wrong, to really try and make a difference.

I have just read through this account and it does not do justice to this young mans story. Because through all his struggles and believe me they started from the age of 5yrs. he has survived a wholesome, intelligent, CARING, humorous character. John really is worth listening to. His 21 paged document is honed from real pain, real love and real experience and is just packed with lean, hard and very emotionally charged FACTS. And that is frightening and depressing.

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boxing day blues…….

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I had no idea the Christmas rollercoaster had flatten me  – in fact late  last night I was feeling pretty pleased with myself – I wasn’t drunk, I didn’t feel too bloated, I’d seen some good (recorded) programmes on TV.  This was a Christmas I really struggled with and it was over. So good job done, pat on the back and off to bed.

But that was yesterday and this is today Boxing Day (please leave me in the box and close the lid).  Why? I have no idea.  Outside is a perfectly clear blue sky, underfoot the ground is still hard with frost.  In fact now I think about it the perfect Boxing Day weather.  But my spirits are tired and I can only think the reason being I was so concerned about getting ‘through’ Christmas that all my energy has been drained.

But I know someone who will drag me up and out.  The dog.  My faithful friend chosen by my husband in 2008 ‘to keep you company  after I’ve died’.  Not much of a substitute I thought miserably  but actually he is a wonderful companion.  I talk and he listens, I cry and he says not a word but carries on with his pursuits,  then he does something daft and I laugh.  I am still alive to feel and think and react and slowly, slowly my grief is finding its place in my psyche.  I will not be rollercoasted by anything or anyone.  My life has been such a joy shared with Colin.  I will not sully those memories of all our passion, fun and sorrows with the inability to cope with the ripping agony of grief.  One step at a time and gently go forward.  Do not be afraid to rest and reflect but then gently onwards.

I greatly benefit from loving close family and fantastic angelic friends and of course, a dog who believes I am IT ‘the best thing since sliced bread’!!!

And a BusPass for which I have many a plan come the new Year . As the days draw out and Spring invites us all to marvel at her new ravishing collection of colour and form I hope to be waving my little card and meeting new people and seeing new sights through eyes and ears aglow with the joy of life.

OK dog drag me out and get me going, please!