is I cannot bear to waste it. As I have always worked this longed for space is now mine. And I love it.
The great thing of having a job or business is the structure it imposes. Children impose a structure (oh those school holidays, free days, half terms, etc). And mostly these structures are great because you enjoy the job/business/children and the spaces in between servicing all these demands allow for a bit of self indulgence. Of course its a different scenario if you hate your job/failing with the business/and all is stress,stress,stress. BUT I’m not going down that very different and difficult route. For a start all jobs can be boring at times, businesses need constant attention and families are always fired through with patches of difficulty so stress, anxiety, fear is always lurking around even the most seemingly ‘perfect’ lives.
My life is now structured by self indulgence because although cash not-so-rich my days are MY days. WOW how wonderful! And it is. and of course it isn’t. Because the only person who is now in control is me. I don’t mind me but oh the imperfections glow like so many night flies flitting to and fro as the sky turned inky black. Push too little and I fritter and do nothing. Push too hard – exhausted – leading to frustration at my own inabilities etc. etc. Tiredness feels wonderful when all has gone well and the weariness deserved. But I am slowly starting to recognise my new strengths and accepting (and forgiving) my limitations.
I am now on facebook (faceless of course). What an extraordinary faceless world it is. An enormous mass of people who know someone you know and might want/will/maybe become my friend! But all this twitter and facebook has a strange emptiness about it. Hours can disappear into a very fragile communication. I realise as I write this I haven’t yet found my way of using it as a useful communication tool or if I ever will. My life would be much harder and lonelier without the use of my computer. It has opened me up to so many possibilities within my scope and taken me out of my scope and either confirmed lurking ideas or shocked me out of complacency. Plus I can always browse through eBay for the hidden gems! Thats entertainment. So I am not dismissive of the world wide web of communication just feel the information one can glean can leave one feeling a bit empty. You can never replace a really good conversation with another human eye ball to eye ball – I’m sure Skype is better than nothing but its not the same. And what really concerns me is there is an instinctive feel to those live conversations. Body movements, hand gestures, tone of voice, spaces between sentences even words and the look in the eye. And when all goes well the warmth between you. Just genuine caring warmth. And if it doesn’t go well the sheer relief of escape! So I suppose as long as we understand the limitations of facebook/twitter/blogs/’e’mail and that they will NOT and cannot replace genuine one to one contact, its a great way to keep in touch – if we really want to!!!!!
Treat of the week – listening to Maureen Lipman being interviewed on BBC3 Essential Classics at 10.30am. Dig and weed then coffee and toast then back to dig and weed. Pretty good, ah!